The Epsilon Program Explored - Pt. 1

[Cave]

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The most explored myth in the history of San Andreas

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WARNING: This is a very long, but interesting post. You have been warned!

Epsilon Revealed

First take a look at this webpage; www.epsilonprogram.com.
This page is made by Rockstar (R*), and it gives a good clue of what Epsilonism is. Yes - it's a parody of real life sect religions, and the probably the Scientists in particular.

What is Epsilonism? It's a man-made religion (therefore a cult), formed by Cris Formage.
Their tenets is really far out, and it is obvious that it's pretty much all about getting hold of your money (see tenet 11).

The site content is actually situated on the rockstar.com domain, so I checked the site in Google, but found no documents other than those visible on the actual website. You know, it might just happen that some programmer had left unused pages or files in that folder :-)

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The Epsilon tract

"The TRACT has not yet been written.

Cris Formage tells us in his wonderful book, It Happened To Us All, that the TRACT will be written when we are all ready. However, Chris is also very clear on another point - although the TRACT has not yet been written, it can still be read by those that are willing to read it."

Check the site made by R* about this here - you can actualy buy the book.

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The 12 tenets of Kifflom

These are the indisputable facts of Epsilon:

1. The world is 157 years old - FACT!

2. Dinosaurs are a lie that people believe because they are weak - FACT!

3. You are happy, you just don’t know it - FACT!

4. We all come from the same tree - FACT!

5. Everyone is related to everyone else, except for people with red hair - FACT!

6. Sperm does not exist - it is a lie spread by biology teachers - along with everything else you have ever been told - FACT!

7. Men are supposed to lie with nine new partners a week. Women are supposed to lie with six, except for in July, when they must lie with five men a day - FACT!

8. Aliens exist and are present on earth. If you have a birth mark, you may be descended from Kraff, the famous Emperor of the 4th Paradigm - FACT!

9. Trees talk, but only some people hear them - FACT!

10. People who believe in something live much longer than atheists, and they have eternal life thrown in for good measure - FACT!

11. If you believe this and turn you hands and wallet over to EPSILONISM, you’ll live a happy life. Otherwise you are doomed - FACT!

12. KIFFLOM - HAPPINESS IS YOURS! KIFFLOM!

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Hints or hidden references?

There has been speculations that there should excist a special tree in the woods of San Andreas, but so far the only "special" tree found, there's an old fallen tree, with nothing more to it. There's also roumours of trees with numbers on them, only visible by using thermo goggles. Many hunters have also been out to find dinosaurs and aliens, not succeeding in this. None of this has been supported by pictures or video evidence.

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The letter E

Epsilon is the fifth letter of the Greek alphabet. In the system of Greek numerals it has a value of 5. Hints in the game could therefore be connected with the number 5 or the letter E, but as far as I know it has not yet been found any interesting occurences of this. The greek letter does look like a combination of E and T, which could be hint, or just a funny reference to the movie ET by Steven Spielberg.

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The birthmark

This drawing is found on the Epsilon program website, followed by the text "Possible descendant of Kraff.".
There is no further references to neither this person, or any mentionings of his birthmark or birthmarks in general. It could of course be painted, but it really doesn't mather.


What's interesting is, why is it here? Someone just had the idea to put out a "picture" of a person when they made the Epsilon website, and then to give this person a rather large birthmark or face painting, with no underlying meaning to it?

The birthmarkThe first thought that springs to mind, is that this birthmark should fit some area on the San Andreas map, and thereby give a hint that this area contains something special. I've checked the map by overlaying the birthmark shape, but could find nothing even close.

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The Farm

First take a look the map that followed your copy of GTA San Andreas. In the lower left area, you will find "The farm" Cult location pointed out. This is the location you visit in the mission "Body harvest".


The special thing about this farm, is that the windows shines with a blue light at night, unlike other buildings in San Andreas. Since blue is the colour of Epsilon, it is believed to confirm that this is the cults meeting place. But there are no signs of activy when you go there, or other interesting objects, it's just the blue light in the windows.



When in Blue Hell, it is possible to see the farm from below ground, and look into the building interiors.
As you can see, there is nothing in it.

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Cris Formage

You don't actually meet the Epsilon founder Cris Formage in the game, but he is mentioned, and you can also hear an interview with him on the WCTR radio station.

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Epsilon on the radio

Jezz Torrent of the group Love Fist can be heard in a radio ad for The Epsilon cult, crediting the group for aiding him in giving up drugs.

On the radio someone calls in to Lazlow, telling they are members of the Epsilon cult, and they have paintings in The San Fierro Art Exhibition (I haven't found any such exhibition yet).

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The WCTR radio interview

Stay tuned to the WCTR radio station, and you will soon be listening to the smoothing voice of Cris Formage, the founder of the Epsilon cult.

    Announcer: "The most boring show, with a brand new host! Entertaining America with Lazlow."
  Lazlow: "Welcome to Entertaining America on WCTR with me, Lazlow. So, the media. You may hate us, but, I gotta tell ya', we hate ourselves more. And stop accusing us of being liberal! What a load of crap! This station is owned by AmmuNation! I mean, have you ever heard anyone complain about guns on this station? Hosts are getting shot by them all the time, but it just gets glossed over. But it also means I now have a job.

If you're afraid of your mortality, and never want to die, here's the solution. It's a man who's got all of America talking with his unique approach to spiritual matters. He's helped thousands, or so the press pack tells me. Cris Formage, founder of the Epsilon Program is here, hello Cris!"
  Cris: "Kifflom, brother-brother."
  Lazlow: "Heh heh, what does that mean, man? So, Epsilonism? Is it a load of crap, or is it the future?"
  Cris: "Well, what do you think Lazlow?"
  Lazlow: "I don't know. Well, I mean, I grow my own religion, which is why I don't know, 'cause I'm kinda spaced out. I mean, you guys run around chanting 'lip balm' "
  Cris: "It's 'Kifflom."
  Lazlow: "Well, whatever. Both sound addictive to me. You know, only popular people are addicted to either. Lets go to the phone."
  Caller: "Hey, Cris, Epsilon sounds awesome! But if you read the fossil record, hunter-gatherer dudes had it made. I mean who wouldn't want to drag their women around by their hair? They smoked anything they could find! That's like so freaking cool! Then all the men would like disappear for days at a time, and you'd only hear beasts shrieking in the distance."
  Laslow: "You know, I went to a museum once. That guy's got a point."
  Cris: "Points are irrelevant, Lazlow. Let me ask you something. Do you want to be happy, Lazlow?"
  Laslow: "What kind of question is that? Yes, obviously."
  Cris: "Then why do you mock the happiness of others?"
  Laslow: "Well, I mean, this is Vinewood, we're all supposed to be like psychotic, and dog-eat-dog, and, y'know, bang your best friend's wife. I mean, I'm with that last guy. We all have a primitive side there, Cris. I mean, you should have heard the music I used to like in the eighties, it was real - it was hysterical..."
  Cris: "What's hysterical about being descended from a sponge, and not knowing it?"
  Lazlow: "Huh?"
  Cris: "What's funny about being told that the world is millions of years old when in fact it's only a hundred and fifty-seven years old - fact! - and it's age does not change?"
  Lazlow: "There's nothing funny about that. It's just...weird. You know, that voice of yours man, holy shit! I could believe anything you say!"
  Cris: "My time has come Lazlow, and so has yours, if! If you let it."
  Lazlow: "Um, well, you know what, that sounds good to me... Hey, wait! Are you gonna try to sign me up for the military? That happened once before. I mean, I'm into killing people, and I can say, 'I'll cry when I'm done killing!' and then there's hope -"
  Cris: "Listen my friend, you can mock, but I know the truth about you. I can see past your jokes and into that scared little boy beneath. You, you my friend, like a lot of other people, are being lied to."
  Lazlow: "I totally agree with you, finally. Inversion therapy! I owe my Mom a huge apology, ugh!"
  Cris: "Listen, pick a new set of lies! Mine are better. Let me ask you something. When did you last get laid, Lazlow?"
  Lazlow: "Heh... Speaking of lies... Wait, look, I'm not an egg."
  Cris: "I got laid this morning. By twins."
  Lazlow: "Whoa..."
  Cris: "They each laid an egg, and I formed out of them."
  Lazlow: "What are you talking about? Great, a horny cult leader with a breakfast fixation. I love it! You know, I'm thinking of a cult centered around grits. Oh wait, sorry, there already is one, and it's called, 'The South...'"
  Cris: "For the last time, this is not a cult, Lazlow. It's a fellowship of like-minded adults who tithe money in exchange for salvation and merit badges. Every single thing we do is voluntary, including the swinging, and making things up."
  Lazlow: "Why is this whole town obsessed with swinging? *sigh* Let's go to the phones."
  Caller: "Hey, Lazlow, love the show man. Hey, I really love to make out with hot chicks in church."
  Cris: "Perfect. Join us. We've put a price on salvation, and it's a price worth paying, believe me. Look, if you crave sexual conquest, family betrayal, class warfare, and really feeling like you are a part of something, then just do it. Just do it, it's so easy! Join the Epsilon group."
  Lazlow: "Uh...Cris, stop trying to recruit people. I mean, you even say you just make this stuff up."
  Darius: "Hi, L-Lazlow!"
  Lazlow: "Ah, Darius Fontaine! Look, I told you to leave me alone!"
  Darius: "Look, look, it was an unfortunate incident that happened to your mother, but I was quite clear: grandmother, not mother! It's your fault it doesn't work."
  Lazlow: "I nearly went to prison, man! What you told me to do was illegal! In most states..."
  Darius: "Whatever. Look, Cris Formage is a liar and a cheat. He made it up! It doesn't help anyone, apart from him! The fact is, people need to face their fears! Remember, I always say that. Face your fears, don't run away!"
  Cris: "Darius Fontaine can kiss my ass."
  Darius: "Oh, you'd like that - would - would you like that?"
  Cris: "I don't think so. And I'll tell you why. Because you are the devil. People aren't really afraid, you know. Yet you make them kill their families - "
  Darius: "Fears have to be faced! That's what I always say! Just ask Lazlow!"
  Lazlow: "Hey, don't bring me into this ruckus, Darius, this is between you two whackos, I mean.. And you stay away from me, Darius, I've got a restraining order, dude."
  Cris: "Lazlow. The only way that you can really communicate with your ancestors is to pay someone like me. Try something. Touch my cane."
  Lazlow: "This whole town, man...I think you've seen too many movies, dude."
  Cris: "You can be happy! Listen! Join us! Be famous! Find your true self. Have a breast, nose surgery, whatever you want! Lie with nine new partners a week. It explains everything. If there are no women, make them. From sand, from garbage, out of thin air! The rich cry too, Lazlow."
  Lazlow: "Well, that's an interesting theory, that seems like it was formerly with pharmaceuticals...but, you know, I would like to find about being rich crying, because right now, I'm poor, and crying. But, this is the west coast - I'm all into lesbians, man."
  Cris: "It's destiny. Vinewood only lets you down. In the Epsilon program, there are no series finales. It goes on, and on, and on. We don't abandon you."
  Lazlow: "Uh, well, we're gonna have to abandon this show. Great, my first show and the dude nearly kills me, and now I'm being harassed by a former sociology professor and a alcoholic turned self-deifying cultist. Please. I gotta get back to the east coast. This has been Entertaining America with Lazlow, on WCTR."
  Announcer: "Culturally, this country is flat-lining. Now you know why."

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Does the dialog in this interview give out any clues to find The Epsilon Cult? Yes, these two sentences could mean something:

He says "The only way that you can really communicate with your ancestors is to pay someone like me. Try something. Touch my cane."
"Touch my cane" seems to be totally out of context, but is it? Why mention the cane, if it's just an ordinary cane? A cane is one of the weapons you can find around San Andres, so it could mean that getting hold of this is necessary to get further.

"To pay someone like me" could mean to use money in some way. But who would this "someone like me" be?

"Communicate with your ancestors" - the whole sentence could mean that you should get the cain to communicate with some ancestor. The Epsilon tenets says that "we all come from the same tree", and "everyne is related to anyone else", so your ancestor could pretty much be anyone (except for people with red hair), or a tree. Confusing. Epsilon is confusing - FACT!

"Lie with nine new partners a week. It explains everything."
Could mean that something will happen if you lie with nine new partners (probably meaning prostitues) within seven days..

The question is: Did Rockstar make this interview to tell the player something essential, or is it just plain fun?

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The cane

In the radio interview Cris Formage says "Try something, touch my Cane", and he sounds very insisting. There are no other references to a cane in the game, or on the Epsilon website. Nevertheless, a cane is one of the weapons to be found within the game. One of the places you can find one, is behind the large Vinewood sign in Vinewood, Los Santos, close to Mad Dogs mansion.

There are at least 19 locations of a cane in San Andreas, so it's not a rare weapon. Never seen one? It's very thin, and therefore hard to discover at a distance, and some places you will have to jump to reach it. The 19 locations of the cane can be found in the next paragraph.

When you get hold of one of these canes, it places itself in the last slot in your weapon list. This is the slot for gifts, and the cane is replaced if you pick up other gifts (flowers or dildos). So the cane is a gift, not a melee weapon. You can actualy use any gift to beat up and kill people, and each gift has it's own sounds when hitting something.

No other gifts has any special powers to them, so the cane doesn't either. You can give other gifts to your girlfriends, but you cannot give the cane. I haven't checked all the girlfriends, though, just the nurse.

I've tried it about a bit, hitting both objects, cars, buildings and people, but nothing special happens. It doesn't kill quicker than other melee wepaons either.


There is also something that seems to be a crow bar in one of the closed rooms within Area 69, but it's not possible to get to it. It's the only place in the game it has been spotted, and it seems just to be part of the interior, as it is only laying on a table, and not spinning like other getable objects. It could be a cane too, but really, I don't think so.


But why are there so many canes? If there was only one, it would more likely be something special to it, but here we have canes all over the place, outnumbering all the other melee weapons:

Nightstick: 1
Baseball bats: 2
Knife: 2
Pool cue: 3
Golf club: 3
Brass knuckle: 3
Katana (sword): 7
Chain saw: 9
Shovel: 9
Cane: 19

There are only one nightstick, but that doesn't make it special - there are no other hints that point to this weapon either. But the number of canes are very high, compared to all other melee weapons. Both the knife and the base ball bat are much more natural weapons for a thug like C.J., so why so many canes?

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The map

The Lil' Probe Inn is a restaurant in the middle of the desert, with UFO based theme. They have UFO photos on the walls, and in the back office you can find a map right above the desk. It's a map of San Andreas, with seven pins on it. A natural guess is that it points out places of UFO sightings.

There's also a map at Toreno's place in Panopticon, and it's exactly the same as the one at Lil' Probe Inn. Through the missions you get hints that Toreno is involved in something to do with aliens, so there is a natural connection between these two occurences of the map.

Players have been investigating this places, without finding anything special. One player even placed remote bombs on each of the seven locations before detonating them.

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Dressing up

There has been a lot of suggestions and speculations around if CJ needs special clothes and assecories in order to make the red truck (or anything else) appear.

Instructions:
• 1. Light blue suit
• 2. Light blue pants
• 3. Buying all tattoo's, even incl. overwriting tattoo's
• 4. Wearing all cross tattoo's
• 5. Wearing a grave tatoo
• 6. Wearing secret tatoos
• 7. Eyepatch (blindfold
• 8. Religious ornament
• 9. Desert Eagle
• 10. Cane
• 11. Lie with 9 women (prostitutes) within seven days
• 12. Spend $10 - $100.000
• 13. Being certain places at certain hours
• 14. Having minimum muscle stats
• 15. Having minimum fat stats
• 16. Having red hair

Solution:
• 1. Didier Sach's
• 2. Didier Sach's
• 3. Any barber shop
• 4. -
• 5. -
• 6. Tatoo shop in Blue Hell
• 7. Binco's
• 8. Different Stores
• 9. Ammunation
• 10. Various locations around the map and one outside Dider Sach's in Los Santos
• 11. -
• 12. Casinos or betting shops
• 13. -
• 14. -
• 15. -
• 16. Barber Shop


There are lot's of wild theories about how you can make Kifflom appear and things like that, but they are all lack essential details, or are being way too detailed and most probably undoable. There has also been a lot of interpreting of things on the Epsilon program website, going way to far. In example, that you have to have a cane could be a demand, since it is mostly accessible and also mentioned by Cris Formage in the radio interview - but things like you have to wear all tattoo's to make something happen, would most probably be bullshit, especially since tattoo's is not mentioned at all in any known true reference.

Nothing is proven until there's at least one good picture of it, or you get a working instruction on how to do it yourself.

And the more complex these theories becomes, combining a number of such things, the less likely they must be. It should really not be that hard to do it right. My guess is that the Epsilon program website pretty much holds all the hints you need, unless there is any clear hints in the game, like the farm house marked as "Cult location" at the paper map that followed the game. If there is more to this myth, the hard thing shoud be to find the logic of the hints and findings seen together, like a puzzle where you don't really see the picture until you place the last piece of it.

End of Part 1.

So, what do you think about all of this shizz?